I wish I were about to tell you a lovely story about a salon and my hair becoming as smooth as silk, but no. Let me paint you a picture…it’s a beautiful, spring day. The sun is shining bright, the clouds are giant and puffy white and there I am, leaving the office. Then POP. My front passenger tire decides it can’t handle the pressure of being my tire anymore and calls it quits. So I pull off the road and get out of the car to evaluate the situation (step 1 in problem solving!). My car (named Blue) is definitely leaning right and there is decent sized hole in the tire. Either a) someone has slashed my tire or b) it is a blowout…I decided it’s the latter since I typically wear neutral gang colors. Time to put on my big girl knickers and deal with it!
But what’s an adventure without a friend? So, I call Thing 1 (if you do not know who I am referring to then you should probably read my other posts and follow this blog, hint hint) and she comes to join the fun. By this point, I already have Blue jacked up and one lug nut off the wheel. We make a few “only I didn’t say fudge…” jokes and get back to work. We have difficulty loosening the other lug nuts, but being the independent, modern women we are, we find a way. I position the tire iron horizontally (ask me sometime a quick way to remember the difference between horizontal and vertical lines…) and then have Thing 1 stand on top of said tire iron. We let gravity do the rest. Since she was wearing a dress, I offered to hold her hand for support; it seemed like the appropriate thing to do. She was a damsel and I was in distress.
The location of this blowout was adjacent to an air force base, which proved to be lucky; why? Because the boys come running…and we didn’t even have a milkshake (yes that’s a Kelis reference). A nice man in uniform – who shall remain nameless, but we salute you – offered his assistance. A few other soldiers/civilians/who knows also offered to help, but our guy had it under control. He got the remaining lug nuts off – granted we totally loosened them for him – put the spare tire on, tightened it all up, and that is that. Next, it was off to Discount Tire to purchase a new shoe for Blue. While Blue was busy with his fitting, Thing 1 and I went next door for cheeseburgers, because you only regret the cheeseburgers in life you don’t eat. Also because Discount Tire smelled weird.
Later that evening, Thing 1 and I decided to celebrate our mechanical skills, which even soldier boy admitted were impressive, by going to a social painting class. The class lasted until about 8:30 and when we reached the parking lot, there it was…Another. Flat. Tire. It was the same position (front passenger) and flatter than Ashlee Simpson’s singing on SNL in 2004. So again, big girl knickers back on and time to get to work. We decided to time ourselves this go-round and we completed the tire change in 8 minutes and 43 seconds. That has to be record or something, right? While we are changing said tire, all the other women from the painting class were just in awe of our abilities, which actually saddens me. It’s not that difficult, ladies. Learn how to change a tire, and while you are at it, realize that anyone who tells you to check your blinker fluid is full of (censored). #themoreyouknow
I know it is driving you bonkers to know what happened, so here’s the end result: the next morning I took Blue to the Discount Tire shop closest to my house. After a few hours and a crappy cup of coffee, Jake (not from State Farm, but yes he was wearing khakis) said my counter balance weights were not applied properly. Crisis averted. Blue has new shoes and I hope the morals you take away from this adventure are: 1) Gender isn’t an excuse when it comes to basic automotive knowledge; 2) If you’re going to have a blowout, an air force base isn’t the worst location for it to happen; 3) Always call a friend when an adventure presents itself; and 4) eat cheeseburgers.
I hope this adventure blew you away (see what I did there?!). Thanks for reading, guys and gals. As always, make today sparkle!