Let me preface this post by saying I realize everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion…but I am not obligated to agree with your opinions. I might not see eye-to-eye with others on any given topic, but I am willing to agree to disagree. If this post upsets you, you’re entitled to feel that way. If my thoughts/viewpoints misalign with yours, then you are free to read other blogs. My intention with this post is to try to counteract all the preconceived notions of divorce. Lately, I have read posts and articles regarding why married couples divorce that anger me. Many are quick to judge those who are divorced and I am ready to break my silence in hopes to shine light on what it feels like as someone going through the divorce process.
As many of you have pieced together, I am currently going through a divorce. When I started this blog, I promised myself I would not talk negatively about my soon-to-be-ex-husband, nor disclose the details of our divorce or relationship. I will keep this promise out of respect for him and myself. If you are reading this in hopes to find out “why” or “what went wrong,” you can stop reading now…make whatever assumptions you please and draw whatever conclusions you wish about me, him, our efforts, our choices, and/or our characters. Just remember these simple truths: It didn’t happen to you. You weren’t there. Your opinions on why I am getting a divorce don’t define me.
I will agree with one thing: getting a divorce is easy. Yes, you read that correctly, now let me explain. The process of divorce is easy in the grand scheme of things. You hire a lawyer, s/he hires a lawyer. The lawyers do the dirty work, while you both stress over logistical details along the way. Now the decision to divorce is beyond difficult and that choice is one of the most painful, personal, spiritual, and heart-wrenching choices a person has to make. If you are the one who filed, your emotions will differ than those of your soon-to-be-ex-spouse’s emotions; just imagine how s/he feels. That isn’t to say the “petitioner” feels any less emotional, confused, or heartbroken than the “respondent,” but the feelings will differ. I feel those who judge others for divorcing fail to realize ALL the emotions or acknowledge ALL the time and energy one spent evaluating their marriage before deciding to file for divorce. There truly are not enough words to describe the overload of emotion associated with a divorce. I am thankful my current divorce proceedings are going as civil as one could hope, as I know it could be so much worse. To those of you who have had “ugly divorces,” I would like to take a moment to acknowledge your strength, your endurance, and mostly your bravery. I get it now and I respect you.
Some say the reasons given for a divorce seem like a “cop out” or an easy way out of an unhappy situation and to those people I say, your perception is your reality. But again, it didn’t happen to you. You weren’t there. You didn’t have to make that choice. Sure, the grass may seem greener on the other side, but guess what? Grass grows – whether it grows where you water it or whether it grows greener on the other side – it always grows. And growing grass still needs mowed. Divorcing isn’t about obtaining greener grass or instant gratification. Sometimes, divorce isn’t about moving on or giving up at all; it is about loving your partner enough to let him/her go. You can love a person and not be good for his/her life. Sometimes divorcing is about allowing yourself and your ex-spouse the chance to obtain happiness, direction, and the fulfillment you each deserve…even if that is without each other.
So if you are a person who believes that I or my soon-to-be-ex-husband – or any couple for that matter – “gave up too easily” then I feel sorry for you. I do; because, you have made preconceived notions in many ways about us and divorce as a whole. But I forgive you, because I realize you simply do not understand. Until something happens to you, you won’t understand it…whether that be a divorce, death, fertility implications, parenting, or something as simple as walking out of a bathroom with toilet paper stuck to your shoe. We are each dealt different hands at life; play yours and no one else’s. Make decisions based on your own truths and be compassionate towards those who may not understand your choices. We don’t all have to see eye-to-eye or agree; where’s the fun in that?
If you’re still reading this, thank you. I am sure you are asking if I am pro-divorce by now. I am not. I strongly support the institution of marriage and I loved being married. I honestly thought I would be in the “one-and-done” club my whole life. I support the notion that if something is broke, you fix it; you don’t jump ship; you honor your spouse and your vows; you stick it out until the end; till death do you part, forever and ever no matter what. But that’s not how my marriage turned out and until the day the papers were filed, I didn’t understand how or why a couple called it quits so easily either. Now, I do. And I ask that you too try to have the same understanding when you hear of a couple divorcing.
I know this wasn’t my typical sparkly adventure post and I thank you again for reading…and understanding. I am blessed with a monstrous support system of family and friends that have made this year bearable and honestly one of the most memorable years of my life. If you are going through a divorce or are recently divorced, I pray you too are able to find the support you need. If you are happily married, I pray your marriage withstands the test of time. And if you are contemplating divorce, I will simply just pray for you and your marriage.
This post was a dim, but I know I will make my day sparkle and I hope you do the same!