Dirty Little Oars

Mom, you may want to skip this blog. Alright, have it your way, but you’ve been warned…

I am trying to give up sexual innuendoes, but it’s hard…so hard. I am usually the first to drop a “that’s what s/he said” reference because despite my mature demeanor, I have the sense of humor of a 13-year-old. The struggle with innuendoes typically isn’t a problem, however for the last 8 weeks every Wednesday night has challenged me to get on top of it. (That’s what she said) See what I mean?

I row crew. I am the official team sub for a local, co-ed rowing team named Row Hard or Row Home. This is a seasoned team with boatloads of talent, muscle, and championship medals to prove it. Why they asked me to be their substitute is still a mystery to me, as I am lagging in the number of seasons of experience. I am going to guess being roommates with the team captain and dating the 6-seat has something to do with the decision, but alas, I am happy to just be in the boat. Anyway, back to my point. Rowing is a challenge sport, but despite the physical attributes needed, one must also have the ability to concentrate. This is where I fail my team.

Like any sport, rowing has many buzz words or phrase unique to the sport. And those words and phrase distract me, because they are so heavily laced with innuendoes. Everyone thinks our leader just shouts “Row. Row. Row.” But no. Here is a quick summary:

Don’t rush your slide.
Feel the last few inches.
Finish together.
Push harder.
Don’t stop.
Power through the pain.
Tap it.
Stop digging.
Pause at the finish.
Don’t catch a crab.
Let it ride under you.
Spread your knees.
Elongate/steady/increase your stroke.
Too deep.
Just the tip.
Build the pressure.

And aside from those words of “instruction,” there is also the dockside manner of rowers in general:

Use your cox-box.
I’m bysweptual.
Rowing is oar-gasmic.
Be crab free.
Row before hoes.
Keep your cox happy and stroke hard.
Are you a rower? Because I can’t get you out of my scull.
Rowing gets you wet.

Last but not least is the epicenter of the struggle, the coxswain – yes it is pronounced “cocks in.” This tiny athlete delivers instruction and insight in a calm, respectful manner. By calm and respectful I mean she (or he) yells at us. The coxs main purpose is to produce…results! (C’mon, get your minds out of the gutter, tee hee). So my struggle with rowing innuendoes begins and ends with my coxs. (Yup, you guessed it, that’s what he said.)

I’ll leave you with this: real athletes row; others just play with their balls.

Thanks for reading, guys and gals. And as always, make today sparkle!

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